Mood: irritated
Just until a while ago, I was trying to save up money for this week. That was a while ago. I had to spend a great deal of my weekly allowance for the piles of reading material that I had to get for my subjects. Most prices have risen including food and fare but my allowance hasn't. In fact, my allowance when I was a freshman was even a bit higher. Thanks to my ever suspicious dad (who does not believe that it is actually possible to stay out late in the university without spending lots of money); he has decreased my allowance to an amount analogous to the minimum wage of our laborers. That is, literally the exact amount for me to survive a day in UP. Did I mention exact? By the way, I forgot to say that eating lavishly can cause deficit. No bluffin'. We are not rich.
Just when I thought that everything will be ok (I will manage, like always), a gush of bad news welcomed me the moment I got home. I actually was too tired to comprehend but I had to. Especially in a unique family setup like ours, it has become the responsibility (or should I say burden) for us (me and my siblings) to become the communication pathway between our mom and dad. We serve as telephone operators because for no apparent reason, they like that over directly taking to each other (most of the time). This means we had to deal with the stress of hearing all our household problems (usually involving money matters). It also means that we had to be like diplomats in bearing with their "angry voices" that are supposedly addressed to one another (and not to us). Not that it happens always, but to say that it happens rarely is to indulge in fantasy.
Sometimes, I wish that I could just ignore it, but I can't. There are times I wish that these money problems were detached from my academic life, but they aren't. I have bigger plans in mind--to do more extensive research papers, high quality presentations, more experience and input from the outside world--but all of them limited by the lack of financial resources. Then he tells me "bakit kailangan mong maghanap ng trabaho? kung gusto mo lang yan wag mo!" Or "puro pa-photocopy ng adverb, adjective at kung anu-ano pa!!!" He would even seemingly doubt us whenever we ask him in cases we run out of money because of paying for school-related stuff. For goodness' sake, the money he gives us is just enough... any extra expense would cause deficit.
Though he is not aware that I am, I know that my dad thinks that I complain a lot. But the truth is, despite my complaints, I have complied most of the time. I may sound really selfish but I think the stresses should not be put on us. He always tells us that `it is his way or the highway'; that he is the provider and thus the one who has all the decisions. Isn't that power the reward for being the provider? If so, doesn't sharing with the burden (of money matters in our household) with us (in a way) make him less (take note: LESS and not NOT) righteous over that power?
But things are not all that bad. Though lacking in some aspects, much of our life here, if not slightly lavish, is quite ok. Water is abundant (we seldom run out of water). My sister doesn't even want to live in a dorm because she loves her air-conditioned room a lot. Costs for my internet time are paid for as well as our cable TV subscription. Our electricity bills have gone extremely high and we still get to eat three times a day. These things sometimes remind me that I often take some things for granted. But again, the issue here is not about the money--it is more about the way my dad handles things in our household. Sometimes I wish he'd let us be (at least in deciding for ourselves). Or better yet, try to understand how things have been for us. He has the audacity to use our responsibilities to the family against us when he can't even fulfill his role at least in a way that he has been clinging on to.
Right now, because of a fight with my mom, he's been threatening (us or my mom?) that he won't be giving us our allowance for the week after next week. A few moments ago, they were scolding at each other over the phone (which seldom happens because we usually get to hear the scolding for us to transmit later on). At this very moment, my brother (who was the unfortunate one who got caught in the middle), is complaining about our present situation. *sigh*
I should have taken the full-time job at People Support. *sigh* *sigh*