It is sometimes weird how one's beliefs (in this case, my beliefs about the meaning of dreams) change your behavior. I had a dream last night that all my teeth fell off (just like beads being poured off the table). For some, you might have encountered the superstition associated with this dream. I actually felt bad upon waking up. Admittedly, I can say that I was scared. What was worse was that most of my relatives are in my dream (with vivid recollection unlike most).

*to be continued...*

I went to one of our college's faculty colloquia. Once more, I have seen how life as an academician goes. Two of my professors were there to discuss "Religion in the Box". (Like them, I am proud to say that their research work had been showcased in another country.) Contrary to popular belief that the mass media (particularly television) has made people part from religion, television in the Philippines actually--according to their research--has helped reinforce existing religions around.

After that, I had lunch with Kay and my sister. We went on to update each other and joke around on lots of things (thanks to my ever bubbly sister). After ordering some pizza and bottomless drinks, we started stuffing ourselves continuously. One of us was so stuffed that she even had to rest before standing up (you know who you are *wink wink*). I had a great time. I just hope that we won't be too busy next time we plan on going out again.

*...continuation*

My (only) sister had to stay in the university late so (because of my dream) I decided to wait for her. I was not just an ordinary wait. I was bound for home after our lunch (that was, 2:30-ish), but I decided to wait for her until 9pm. The weather was awfully bad that time. It was both hot and humid so I decided to sleep for while inside our organization's hangout. Later in the afternoon, three alumnae came. Two of them are working as part of ABS-CBN's creative group--they actually are working on new program concepts for the network. After some chat they left; found my way to the library afterwards.

posted by groupblog at 12:01 AM WST

Updated: Thursday, 25 November 2004 12:10 PM WST

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Mood:  lazy

*greedily munching a chocolate bar*

I had a really exhausting day. I was so weary that I completely forgot that we have a general meeting in UP Haring Ibon (so much for being a responsible publicity director). Actually, had some moments to unwind with some classmates from my communication research subject. Two new people were added to the bunch (aside from the two guys whose photo was previously posted on my blog). We had a quick snack, with some picture taking and some self-disclosure which--according to Ronald Adler--is a way of creating intimacy. (Talk about learning from my communication professors!)

I wonder what will happen on the transport strike on Friday. (According to Claire de la Fuente, the president of the union of bus operators, "transport holiday" is the more appropriate term.) Will the city be really immobilized? Hmmm...

posted by groupblog at 10:22 PM WST

Updated: Thursday, 25 November 2004 5:42 PM WST

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Mood:  lazy

I'm too exhausted right now. It was all too much in a day.

I went to the Plaridel Lecture this morning at Cine Adarna in UP Film Center this morning.

Had my first day of BC 100 class under Atty. Avecilla. There, I was given a new nick--"Kumander Stan". I am now stereotyped in my class as communist (along with two other classmates), though Marxist should be the more appropriate term. Having known some Marxists, I don't even think I deserve to be called one. I am not saying that I dislike being identified with them; it's just that I have seen people more faithful to Marx's doctrine.

I also got the chance to attend a meeting about the recent Hacienda Luisita issue. After hearing witness accounts on the matter, it made me doubt some of the news articles that said that the killings were all because self defense (on the police's part). It was an example of social injustice (yeah, a pretty heavy term... but I know that it's one). First, circumstances drove them to doing that. Had the people concerned (the panginoong maylupa) listened, things might not have gone that bad (and that far). I wish some people would just choose to be less profit driven and be more concerned with other people's welfare.

Justice for the Hacienda Luisita massacre victims.

posted by groupblog at 12:01 AM WST

Updated: Tuesday, 23 November 2004 10:37 PM WST

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Mood:  a-ok

Since I was a kid, I never really liked hospitals. Probably it is because I was never allowed to get inside one (at least for the first few years that I can remember). I associated it with everything that is negative: the distinct hospital scent, the idea of being sick and even death. And just two nights ago, a friend of mine (a very good one) was rushed to one.

I was too tired to go out last Friday night with our barkada so I bailed out. It was during the evening when a friend texted me that something terrible happened. One of our friends had seizures--serious ones. At first, I thought that he was just bluffing until the second message came. He said our friend's mouth was frothing (when my friend got better, somebody cracked the joke that it was like Linda Blair's) which made me jump off to bed and call them up. I knew it was something really serious--things involving seizures and frothing of the mouth (at least to my knowledge) shows that either he is an epileptic or he was poisoned (though I am not so sure how these thoughts came to me that fast). One friend asked me to search for his number. Unfortunately, the only number that appears in the directories and in my phone book is his personal number so I was not able to help them that much. Being far from where they are made me feel really uneasy. I was seriously worried about my friend's condition. I didn't like the idea that one of my closest friends is sick. It's a good thing that the rest of the gang was there to help. But the worrying didn't stop there.

We went to visit him the next day. I still didn't like the fact that I was in a hospital (despite the fact that Medical City seemed to be less like one). We headed for the ICU and there he was: awake and healthier (at least from the last state he was on). He said he was feeling a lot better; one friend (his best one) even cracked jokes about what happened. All felt light and good, but we were still inside the hospital (and there's nothing good "good" in that). For me, it ain't over `til it's over. I'm still worried about my friend's condition. A brain infection is not something that you encounter everyday. I just want him to be ok as soon as possible.

It is actually in a time like this when you are reminded how you value a person (in this case, a friend) that much.

Get well soon, bro.

posted by groupblog at 12:17 PM WST

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Mood:  blue

One of my friends had seizures last night. He is at Medical City right now. Hope he's already ok. Wasn't able to sleep last night (almost). I'm dead worried.

*sigh*

posted by groupblog at 9:00 AM WST

Updated: Tuesday, 23 November 2004 10:41 PM WST

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Mood:  lazy

Friday afternoons are supposedly my `worthwhile afternoons'. On my weekly game plan, it's supposed to precede Friday (or Saturday) night outs (if there are any). During these times, I plan on doing something that I find worthwhile: catching up with good friends; doing some research work or just wasting my time on something new.

After spending time wondering where those missing library books have gone (been doing that a lot lately), I decided to attend the College Assembly at the college of Mass Communication auditorium. After hearing lots of clich?s (well, some of them really make sense... I just wonder why most students are letting them be), I decided to write my piece about the issue here (been actually planning on doing that way before but I just didn't know how to start).

But I am too tired to do anything right now. I guess I have to pass.

Like what most people say: it's the thought that counts anyway.

posted by groupblog at 7:34 PM WST

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Mood:  energetic

Time: 12:34am

Just got home from a fashion show by UP SAMASKOM--a student organization under the College of Mass Communication. I was invited by a good friend, whose designs happened to be one of the fashion show's features. (I finished all my research and reading materials early for this to fit my schedule.) It was my first time to be in an event of that kind. For the longest time, I lived my life away from the seemingly `posh' subculture that these people have.

I came there all by myself. On the entrance, there were two equally pretty girls (one of which is an acquaintance and the other my good friend/classmate last semester) who, at that moment, were in-charge of the tickets and the reception. Since I knew nobody there (I may be sociable in the university but not in places like this), I decided to stick with them (though I felt that I wasn't helping them face the incoming guests). After a bottle of mineral water (which I have to say is sort of expensive) a couple of rest room breaks and several hours of waiting, I decided to see what's going on inside. It was there that I realized that I am not used to being alone: I felt really awkward to get near the crowd. Probably it was because I was alone. I didn't know where to go in the first place so I sat away from them until I saw an acquaintance. He was with a friend (who looked really familiar). After saying our hellos, he introduced me to his friend. It was after hearing his friend's name that I realized that my suspicion was right. He is actually good chat mate from long ago. I was really surprised.

The night went on as it should (though I have to say that the fashion show started a bit late). I was amused to see some pretty models (one of which is a friend) and their cool clothes. I never thought that making clothes can be such an art (great ones, I mean). But the stunner was "Kikiam Defensor" with her cool attitude and personality that complements the clothes that my friend made. It was all good (meaning there are also some episodes which are good for laughs, but not boisterous ones). Got the chance to meet some new people there (hope I can remember that much). After the show, I went backstage to greet everybody (at least to those that I have the courage to approach at) for a job well done.

I am beginning to enjoy my new college. I am looking forward to more days like this (without the Cinderella curfew, of course). Anyways, I have always been an obsessive-compulsive about my schedule so time management won't be a problem. It really has to do with loving what you are doing. I guess I am now where I truly belong.

I just want to thank my good friend for the invitation and the chance.

It's just sad that sleeping beauty wasn't there.

posted by groupblog at 1:25 AM WST

Updated: Friday, 19 November 2004 7:31 PM WST

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Mood:  irritated

Just until a while ago, I was trying to save up money for this week. That was a while ago. I had to spend a great deal of my weekly allowance for the piles of reading material that I had to get for my subjects. Most prices have risen including food and fare but my allowance hasn't. In fact, my allowance when I was a freshman was even a bit higher. Thanks to my ever suspicious dad (who does not believe that it is actually possible to stay out late in the university without spending lots of money); he has decreased my allowance to an amount analogous to the minimum wage of our laborers. That is, literally the exact amount for me to survive a day in UP. Did I mention exact? By the way, I forgot to say that eating lavishly can cause deficit. No bluffin'. We are not rich.

Just when I thought that everything will be ok (I will manage, like always), a gush of bad news welcomed me the moment I got home. I actually was too tired to comprehend but I had to. Especially in a unique family setup like ours, it has become the responsibility (or should I say burden) for us (me and my siblings) to become the communication pathway between our mom and dad. We serve as telephone operators because for no apparent reason, they like that over directly taking to each other (most of the time). This means we had to deal with the stress of hearing all our household problems (usually involving money matters). It also means that we had to be like diplomats in bearing with their "angry voices" that are supposedly addressed to one another (and not to us). Not that it happens always, but to say that it happens rarely is to indulge in fantasy.

Sometimes, I wish that I could just ignore it, but I can't. There are times I wish that these money problems were detached from my academic life, but they aren't. I have bigger plans in mind--to do more extensive research papers, high quality presentations, more experience and input from the outside world--but all of them limited by the lack of financial resources. Then he tells me "bakit kailangan mong maghanap ng trabaho? kung gusto mo lang yan wag mo!" Or "puro pa-photocopy ng adverb, adjective at kung anu-ano pa!!!" He would even seemingly doubt us whenever we ask him in cases we run out of money because of paying for school-related stuff. For goodness' sake, the money he gives us is just enough... any extra expense would cause deficit.

Though he is not aware that I am, I know that my dad thinks that I complain a lot. But the truth is, despite my complaints, I have complied most of the time. I may sound really selfish but I think the stresses should not be put on us. He always tells us that `it is his way or the highway'; that he is the provider and thus the one who has all the decisions. Isn't that power the reward for being the provider? If so, doesn't sharing with the burden (of money matters in our household) with us (in a way) make him less (take note: LESS and not NOT) righteous over that power?

But things are not all that bad. Though lacking in some aspects, much of our life here, if not slightly lavish, is quite ok. Water is abundant (we seldom run out of water). My sister doesn't even want to live in a dorm because she loves her air-conditioned room a lot. Costs for my internet time are paid for as well as our cable TV subscription. Our electricity bills have gone extremely high and we still get to eat three times a day. These things sometimes remind me that I often take some things for granted. But again, the issue here is not about the money--it is more about the way my dad handles things in our household. Sometimes I wish he'd let us be (at least in deciding for ourselves). Or better yet, try to understand how things have been for us. He has the audacity to use our responsibilities to the family against us when he can't even fulfill his role at least in a way that he has been clinging on to.

Right now, because of a fight with my mom, he's been threatening (us or my mom?) that he won't be giving us our allowance for the week after next week. A few moments ago, they were scolding at each other over the phone (which seldom happens because we usually get to hear the scolding for us to transmit later on). At this very moment, my brother (who was the unfortunate one who got caught in the middle), is complaining about our present situation. *sigh*

I should have taken the full-time job at People Support. *sigh* *sigh*

posted by groupblog at 10:56 PM WST

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Mood:  hug me

1. Went out to Oz Caf? with a couple friends from my law and ethics class. They were a pretty interesting bunch (or should I say pair, though I have to say that they aren't together "together"). If things won't go out of hand, we will be spending the rest of our academic lives together. In other words, we're bound to be classmates in our majors for the next two years. I'm just glad to have known them.

2. After the "bonding session" with my classmates, I saw an alumna of UP Haring Ibon sitting under one of sunken garden's acacia trees. She was near the coconut tree (the only one there)--near the same spot where we used to hang out a few years back (yeah, I am that old). I approached her and asked how she's been. She told me some updates on her job, her love life and some updates on some of our organization's alumni. She told me that she's waiting for another alumna who'll be coming from work. I found out that they meet there once in a while--not much any different from our routine a few years back. She even reminded me of how I was back then: the innocent-looking freshman who used to drink gin with them even in broad daylight. She wondered why I stopped being the tripper that I was (though now, I look more like one). She asked why I stopped staying out late. It couldn't possibly be caused my dad (who's been strict since I don't know when). Maybe I chose to. Maybe I had no other choice. I honestly didn't know what to answer. What I know is that, I missed them big time.

Why did I even stop doing those things? Does it really come with age? Sometimes people (at least in the university) assume that I am the ultimate rule breaker and thrill seeker; but the truth is I am actually not. But why? Is it a sign of maturity? If it is, why do I still have the desire to break free again? Does that make me less mature?

My life is what I make it. I'm not going to let any circumstance get in my way. I know what I want. I guess I just have to be more assertive.

3. Spent my night out at Quattro with my barkada last night. It has been a while since I last saw them (probably more than two months ago) so being with them again was great. There is the usual "updating each other" thing and the "barkada gossip" headed by a good friend. Apparently, much (gossip or truth?) has been going around without my knowledge. Much was said (or rather, implied) from what I have heard from them last night. And like always, each came out to be a good sport.

As Christmas nears, so is our barkada Christmas party. Preparations have already started; thanks to the ones for planning and organizing skills. Some categories for our outrageous barkada awards are finalized already and will be polled soon. Kris-cringle has begun and the first batch of gifts is expected next week. (Hmmm.... I wonder what I will be getting.)

4. Some questions: Am I that thin? (Am I too thin?) Do I really look like I'm taking drugs?

5. Just as promised, I help my grandmother organize her stuff. As she was digging on to piles of old stuff, she found this letter written on pink paper. It was a letter addressed to all her children. She asked me to read it, so I did. It was then that I found out that the letter was meant to be read on the day of her death. My vision became clouded as I went on reading. It was when I was about to sob that I stopped reading the letter. I just can't bear the thought of her gone. I told her that there will be a time for me to read the letter, but that time isn't now. She can keep it for the longest time possible, I told myself. For now, she just has to go on living.

I guess she has to take Madonna's song, "Die another Day," seriously.

6. On blogs: talking about your self or talking about other people's businesses? Being self-centered or being nosy? Narcissism or not?

posted by groupblog at 5:01 PM WST

Updated: Monday, 15 November 2004 11:04 AM WST

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1. I just can't believe the fact that I'm taking a theory class this semester. I'm not sure if I am all geared up for the subject though. What I know is that I have to start getting my neurons to work. It means lesser time online and more time in front of my books.

2. After ten months of weight reduction, I finally succumbed to temptation. I saw it coming during my ten days of stay in Bataan, but ignored it. Now, my sweet tooth is back with a vengeance. It now has a life of its own, controlling my mind like Protoss dark archons. It takes over me every time confectionery is within reach. This fact is worsened by the fast approaching Yuletide season. Close friends can testify how I've gained two inches of waist just over the Christmas break. Some of you might consider my weight problem trivial, but come on; it will be ten months of work gone to waste should this remain unresolved.

3. Because of that *points at number 2* I have decided monitor my weight (again). Nothing new here. I just have to begin where I left off. (For those naturally thin people, you may never understand this. I am the type of person who gets fat easily because genetically, I am destined to be one. In my case, some effort has to be done.)

4. I need to manage my time wisely this semester. Aside from academics and extra-curricular work, I have decided to add something that I almost neglected last semester--my social life (friends and barkada). The challenge doesn't stop there, I have to juggle those things with another thing: my part time job (hopefully, my first step to independence).

posted by groupblog at 12:01 AM WST

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